Hello world.. It’s me. It’s been awhile since I’ve been on this one. For those who aren’t aware, I have two blogs- one focused on life with chronic pain, and one on my other love and passion- all things style/fashion. I’ve been so focused on turning that into a thing, I haven’t written to you lately. I think now would be a good time.
I’m not one to complain. My number one rule in life is unless you’ve done everything you can to change the situation you have no place to complain. All rules have exceptions, but I try hard to live by that. I feel that I have followed this rule, and I’m really at my wits end lately.
I’m laying in bed, have been up for awhile. I find myself getting lost in the music streaming through my beats. I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for all of the blessings I have in my life. My baby (10 lb. 3 yr old Yorkie) is snuggled in closely. And all I feel I can do is cry out of the pure frustration I’m feeling. I am exhausted- I haven’t been able to sleep the night through in what feels like forever.
It’s our first full winter back in PA and it has not been kind to my body. The constant temperature changes, and the dip each night has left my body aching, screaming louder than the silence can handle. But not only is that an everyday thing, my wisdom teeth (I only have two left, thank goodness) have been growing into my jaw (best guess). I’ve been having severe pain, throughout my throat, mouth, ear, sinuses, head. I see the oral surgeon today. Before that? It was an ENT for chronic ear infections. Before that? The allergist where we found out I’m allergic to everything (except my hypoallergenic dog thank you lord!). Unfortunately we are not in our own home so making some lifestyle changes to help in that department is on hold.
I am a pretty positive person, and I try to stay humble. Each day my prayers consist of asking God to show me how to do His works, how to be His hands and feet, how to let His light shine through me. And I do believe He breaks us down to bring us back to Him. Maybe I wasn’t fully invested? I’m not sure.
We found a house that we are absolutely in love with. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of it, that I don’t see us in there. We could grow into it. We could gather there. Everywhere I turn people are pregnant. Making their dreams come true through work, through speaking, through growing. I have no doubt God will use my struggles and my pain to help others, to glorify Him. But I’ve gotta say- I’m exhausted. I’m a fighter, but there’s only so many rounds a boxer can take without a break. We are OVER 3 years into my disability case. I have not been able to work in over 3 years. And when I checked in with my attorney recently I found out they haven’t done anything in MONTHS. They’re waiting on some files from UPenn, but seriously? Why hadn’t they called and told me that? It’s been almost a year since they checked in with social security. What’s a girl to do…
When we applied for the mortgage recently and got denied, the frustration came flooding over us. We could afford it, and we’ve paid off SO much since moving in with my parents a year ago. But our credit isn’t there yet. We are working on husbands student loans, and a few others. We have our car payment for the Ford- an incredible blessing in itself. Thought about selling the jeep, but I don’t like feeling stranded. And days like today I need to be able to just get in and drive. If I had disability, we’d be back on our own. My marriage is strong, but I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been extra difficult living in my parents house, with 5 adults, 4 dogs, 1 cat, and 1 bathroom.
I’m exhausted, I’m frustrated, I’m stuck. I’ve always been a dreamer. I’ve always wanted big things for my life. And I feel as if I haven’t been able to get traction to move forward. It’s as if I’m slipping on ice and keep falling on my face. I’ll never not get back up, and I’ll never stop trying. I’m simply tired. Frustrated. Going crazy.
The other night the pain was so bad, I was like a caged animal. I literally… It was like an out of body experience. I was shaking, rocking, flailing around in bed. I was pulling my hair, I was hyper ventilating. My throat is somewhat swollen from the inflammation of the wisdom teeth, or at least that’s how it feels, and I found myself gasping for air. I wasn’t just gasping for air through my airways, but I feel as if I’m drowning (biggest fear of my life btw) and I’m gasping at any bit of air I can find. I won’t let this drown me, I won’t let myself fall under the waves, but a life saver thing would be fabulous right now, just to give my body a few minutes to rest. Husband got me through that episode, like he always does. I could not get through this without him.
Since being back in PA we’ve found the most incredible church. The most wonderful group of people around our age, phase of life. And I’m feeling like I’m chained to the tree, watching, all of it just out of my reach. The chain is my pain, the tree is my disease. Missing weeks of meetings and events.. Always having to say sorry can’t make it.
I always try to keep a brave face. I try to brush things like this off. But, maybe that’s part of what’s holding me back. Maybe it’s just because I’m so tired. But there you have it, whoever you may be. Friend, family, chronic pain warrior.
My name is Erika Kanter, and I am struggling. I am a fighter, I will never quit, but I am exhausted from fighting 24/7, from seeing my dreams just out of reach, from having a mind and heart that my body can’t keep up with. My name is Erika Kanter, and I am grateful for each and every one of you reading this, to know my story is out there, to be able to be honest and true in times of darkness. My name is Erika Kanter and I know He will light my way. He is my truth, my heart, my light, my way. And He is how I know we’ll be okay one way or another.